SHUT...UP

i was listening to "this american life" the other day (which, btw, is the greatest radio show/podcast ever created and if you don't listen to it, you should) and they had a segment about that voice inside your head. people described what the voice tells them, and how it justifies things so that people can do what they want to do. i realized that mine is totally the same way. for example, last night i went shopping and bought some new things. as shallow as it is, i like my things, and i like getting new things. the voice told me that it's ok to get some new things because i haven't in a while, and i was taking back a pair of shoes so it was ok to get stuff with the money i got back because it was already spent anyway. some days, it tells me that i don't have to go to the gym because i don't look that bad and my body is already appreciated by my boyfriend.

i talked with him (my boyfriend, not the voice) about this and he said that the more you become aware of the voice, the quieter it gets. to which the voice replied, "what the fuck does he know? and why does he think he's so smart? i'm smarter than him! the voice doesn't get quieter, it just gets easier to fight!"

honestly, i feel like i can't win.

anyway, this discussion about the voice then lead to a discussion about the existence of god, which is a frequent trouble topic in my mind. i revisit this same subject at least twice a week. i want to believe in something bigger, but the part of me that can't let go of the need for absolute truth has a hard time with the whole "faith" concept. also, i have lots and lots of issues with religion and the afterlife. if only one belief is the correct one, then billions of people are going to hell! and if only some beliefs are right, which ones are they? is the entire jewish population screwed because they don't believe in jesus? even though they're the "chosen people"? why can't i just follow my own religious path? can't i just do what i believe and hope for the best?

my boyfriend suggests that i go on a spiritual quest of sorts so that i can decide what feels right to me. i already feel as though i follow my own set of beliefs (mainly: do the right thing) but i have decided to take a different approach, as odd as it sounds...if god exists, god will prove itself to me. i may be screwing myself over when the apocalypse arrives, but this is the path i have chosen. (cue ominous music)

on a totally unrelated and tangental note, i really really like kanye west's new song.

i still don't have a real career-type job. but that's another post.

maybe i'll keep up with this more in the future.